Posts Tagged ‘anger’

Well folks, it’s been about a month since I walked away from Chadron State College with a Bachelor’s degree in Literature with a minor in music. I’ve done what few others in my family have managed to do. I should feel proud, shouldn’t I? Shouldn’t I feel like I’ve accomplished something?

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To be honest, rather than feeling accomplished, lately I’ve been feeling tired. It’s as if 4 years worth of determination and hard work emptied out of me and left my old bitter self behind. People ask me about grad school. People ask me about a career. I have no answers for them.

What I want to do is jump up on the table and scream at the top of my lungs: “I don’t fucking know, okay?! I’ve done nothing but take tests and write papers for the last 16 years of my life, so how the fuck am I supposed to have it all figured out? I don’t even know where I’ll be next Tuesday, let alone 5 goddamn years from now, so get off my fucking back!”

I don’t do that though. I mention writing. Getting a decent job. I say what I think will give me the least amount of pain in the ass explanations and lecturing. You’re told all through high school to go to college, that you’ll amount to nothing otherwise, make no living for yourself. You finish college and you get a slap on the back and a “well, that’s nice!”

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I’m tired of my efforts being seen as a “good start.” I’m tired of my band not being taken seriously or considered a priority. I’m tired of my writing being rejected by all but the same 2 publications. I’m tired of people having phones for the express purpose of ignoring them. I’m tired of classic literature, I’m tired of Jazz elitists, I’m tired of the ignorance of news media and conservative Christians, ladies and gentlemen, quite frankly I’ve had my fucking fill of the world today.

I told myself I would take this summer to work on my writing, and I haven’t. It’s completely my own fault. I discovered a bad habit that I’ve taken on. I only “feel like” writing when I’m in a shitty mood. This is pretty counterintuitive to wanting to be able to write every day. My guitar sits lonely in the corner because I feel like picking it up, trying to learn something new with it is just a wasted effort. I’m going to be disappointed in the results, be them from me or from others.

Maybe I’m just bitching. Maybe I’m just in a funk. Is post-grad depression a thing? I don’t intend on feeling this way forever. Frustration isn’t a good look on me. Do I feel like shit because I haven’t done anything new, or have I not done anything new because I feel like shit?

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Frustratio

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Have you ever had to keep a log of what you ate over the course of the week? Shit’s scary, isn’t it? Like, I know the things I put in my body are bad for me, but when it’s all listed out in front of me, sugars and calories and all that fun stuff in broad daylight, I can’t help but grimace at myself. Granted, nothing changes. As I’ve said, my body is not a temple, and I sort of just float by on my metabolism.

Now, apply the same situation to Internet usage. How often do you use it? What do you get on with? How long are your sessions? What spurs you to get on in the first place?

Scott Beale Photo CC-by Scott Beale, I wonder what proof this would be as an alcohol?

That’s the gist of an assignment done for my Digital Literacy class. I was asked to keep track of when I got on, why, how I felt, what I used, where I was, how long I was on, and what I did. The results are.. well, pretty mundane if you ask me.

Almost always, I use the Internet sitting down. Strange observation, sounds redundant, but it was part of what needed to be tracked. Whether killing time in my seat before a class, in my “nest” at home (on the couch next to Ms. Fish), or sitting and loafing on my friend’s couch, I’m almost always sitting, preferably with my feet up, in a relaxed, somewhat-slouching state.

It’s always my phone, too. Rarely ever my laptop, unless I’m doing homework for this class. Since I’ve gotten a smartphone, I like to pretend my dependency / attachment to the Internet has lessened – after all, I’m no longer on my computer all the time, right? Right? 95% of the time, it’s my smartphone that provides my window to the web. It was usually routine-like. I’d check Facebook, check my e-mail, and when done with what I abstractly considered “obligations,” I’d get on Reddit and read up about the video games I’m currently playing or anticipating the release of. Plus an occasional Cracked article or four. It was almost never to do homework, never for the sake of research – very little more than mindless meandering.

Eris Stassi Photo CC-by Eris Stassi, how many people do you think would go broke?

One thing that did vary that I found somewhat interesting, was the temperament that spurred me to get on the web. This is all over the place. For before class sessions, it would be boredom, or rather, anticipation Рkill time, squeeze as much leisure and idiocy as I can in before having to actually engage my brain.

With friends or at home, it’s boredom, or perhaps even routine. Few minutes with nothing to do before leaving? E-mail. Just wake up in the morning and sitting trying not to die? Facebook! Friends all on their phones or respective devices being a collective hive-minded vegetable? Reddit!

The most fascinating one to me was my usage of the Internet when angry. Sometimes life deals you a shitty hand, and you don’t get a re-draw. You just deal. Often, in my post-anger cool-down phase, I would whip out my phone and scroll / click furiously. Anything, any distraction I can get, I need my brain off. That consists of either auto-piloting and clicking wherever I can, or attempting to overload myself with needless information until my brain goes into “CRITICAL OVERLOAD” and shuts itself off.

It’s been an interesting little experiment. It’s helped me see how much of a creature of habit I can be – and what I need to do differently in terms of coping with certain events. Maybe if I’m bored I should carry a book around with me instead of read about the fact that PREDATOR IS IN THE NEW MORTAL KOMBAT GAME OMGOMGOMG

Erm. Anyway, when angry, maybe I just need to sit and disconnect for a second – turn my brain off the old fashioned way and meditate or just grapple with my irritations head-on. Or maybe I’m just reading too much into this and will do literally nothing to change my behavior. I wonder if there’s a sub-reddit on this.

Habitus